If you’ve been paying attention to the US Open of Surfing this week, and happen to be an empathetic person, you’ve probably felt the tiniest bit of sorrow for some of the world’s best surfers as they’ve sat on their boards out in the listless water at Lake Huntington Beach–waiting for a ripple to bounce around on.
This should really be unacceptable. An event bearing the name “US Open of Surfing” should have waves that are actually surf-able, and since we’re living in an enlightened era of synthetically engineering waves–the most marvelous natural occurrence, there’s no reason why the WSL shouldn’t be able to McGyver some type of swell creating system in the 11th hour to save the US Open. Below are five very bad ideas on how they could do so.
1. Rig a Surf Ranch’s magic foil under the pier – How hard could it be to unbolt the Surf Ranch’s foil, FedEx it overnight from Lemoore to Huntington Beach and rig it up to run the length of the pier? If the WSL can construct a city of scaffolding on the sand, surely a simple track under the pier could be assembled over night to run the foil back and forth. Sorry goofyfooters, rights only for the remaining rounds.
2. Snowplow on a barge – Alright, so FedExing the Surf Ranch’s foil seems a little far-fetched. Besides, Slater’s probably trading chlorinated peelers with Thor, Drew Brees and Charles Schwab at the Surf Ranch over the weekend anyways and won’t be able to lend it out. No problem, a foil can be Mickey Moused easily. Just rent a barge from the Port of Long Beach and a snow plow from Big Bear. Park the snow plow on the bow of the barge then troll the outside. Voila! Instant waves, both rights and lefts, goofyfooters rejoice, US Open saved!
3. Boulders in a dump truck – Want a more grounded swell for the event? Easy. This idea is inspired by big wave hellman Garrett McNamara. Remember when McNamara surfed that wave in Alaska created by a big chunk of ice that fell off a globally warmed glacier? That same principle can be utilized to provide waves for the US Open by simply renting a fleet of Belaz 75710s (the world’s largest dump truck) and filling each one with boulders, or cars towed from expired parking meters, backing the trucks up onto the pier and then dropping their 496-ton payloads off the south side. 2018: First US Open where tsunamis were surfed.
4. Crane with a wrecking ball – The previous solution is probably too expensive, dangerous and unsustainable but can still be built off of for a more convenient and economical execution of the same principle. Just put a crane off the end of the pier that repeatedly drops a wrecking ball into the water to produce swell, kind of like Occy’s giant plunger wavepool he’s building in Australia right now.
5. Ferry full of people – This solution was inspired by Portuguese Surfer Joao Kopke. You know the loud and obnoxious religious zealots promising hell to all the US Open “surf fans?” How about the sweaty and Sharpied Free-Huggers? The US Open has an over-abundant surplus of both species, so how about loading each on a ferry that will go back and forth outside the competition zone to generate a large wake that peels to shore? Getting the two crowds on board to weigh the boat down would be easy–just tell the zealots there are people on the boat who need saving and tell the free-huggers there’re a lot of angry people that need hugs onboard. The ferry will be exceeding maximum capacity in no time, the US Open will have waves and Huntington Beach will just generally be a much nicer place.